Week 4: Finding Myself (in trouble)

Pandemic of Spiritual Sickness

I hate to continue mulling on it, but as someone who was a cognizant adult in 2020, on planet earth, I have to mention the pandemic.  And I cannot only mention the pandemic, as I feel a moral obligation to discuss the emotional, physical, and most importantly–the spiritual impact it had on myself and presumably all Christians alike.  It was arguably the most complex event of the century that has undeniably affected the majority of earth’s population, with much residue.  I pray to the Lord that we never face another time in history where our churches and colleges are closed indefinitely but we have unlimited access to the internet.  I pray that we never again have to beg for the right to attend the Divine Liturgy person, while houses of sin remain open and busy.  I pray we never again face such an attack, a movement towards globalization where our spiritual Food and academic knowledge are held hostage by the unelected forces that be.  How could gate-kept access to the most important sacrament of Orthodox Christians, the saving Body and Blood of Christ not affect the souls and health of the people?  My soul was certainly led astray during this time.  This was only the precursor to what’s happening in the government now, educational department included.

My whole experience started in a foreign land, away from home and loved ones.  It was quite blissful actually—I was finally traveling around with friends the way I’d wanted to.  Off in Ireland, studying abroad amidst the rolling green hills, misty gray mornings and the expectedly delightful and funny natives–I felt immensely grateful.  When I wasn’t in class, I spent my days waking early to read my Bible, hiking the grassy mountains while gazing up at rainbows, meditating under the direction of Eckhart Tolle, as well as taking nightly yoga and martial arts classes.  I was truly “finding myself” on that study-abroad, right?  Or so I thought…. About 2-2 1/2 months had passed in Ireland before the intentionally frightening newscasts were released. In a blissfully ignorant blink of an eye, “2 weeks to stop the virus” sounded like a faint voice, I had been abruptly forced to return home from my study abroad, and it was somehow a year later.  Having spent nearly an entire year without the Holy Eucharist, I found myself desperate for any spiritual meaningfulness, and any quality time with loving people.  Through that desperation, I gave into temptation and unknowingly fell more deeply into sin.  At that time I became a fully certified yoga teacher, daily meditator, and even a manifester, taking more comfort in people or feelings, rather than in God.

Only One Master

Without being conscious of it, while in Ireland, I had already slowly begun my downward spiral into this bottomless pit of New-Age “dualism”--I suppose you’d call it.  New-Age, not actually being any new concept, just occultism rebranded, and dualism in the sense that I believed I could live a dualistic lifestyle of serving two masters, which we know is impossible.  I attended the only Greek Orthodox Church in all of Dublin, every Sunday with a crew of welcoming “abroad-uni” students as well, and yet I would meditate at night, and not on Scripture.  And when I was actually pondering Scripture, I’d often find ways to apply it to Miguel Ruiz’s spiritual understandings, to reassure myself that “it’s all connected…collective consciousness.”  Many reading this may not yet understand why practices like mediation, yoga, or reading books by spiritual pantheists are dangerous and antithetical things to the Christian, so I shall explain. (I thank God for Father Seraphim Rose, who I’ve just discovered through my priest after writing down my own story. His teachings are so incredibly eye-opening and relatable!) 

Any spiritual/ritualistic journeying, reading, listening, really any type of spiritual engagement that falls outside of the Church and her teachings is unholy and evil.  I know this may be a tough lesson to swallow because I struggled with it for years myself.  It’s not as simple as “If the Church doesn’t practice it, don’t do it”—no, it’s more complex than that.  Truly understanding that certain activities like yoga, meditation, cacao ceremonies, soul-searching, tarot readings, psychic visits, reiki (just to name a few) are wrong, takes a lot of prayer, fasting, Bible study, as well as discussion with your priest/spiritual Father, which eventually leads to our discernment.  Discernment, that’s our key word here.  Aisthesis, as we call it in Greek, more directly means “perception that cuts through hazy ethical matters”, according to the Church Fathers. It is through Christ that we gain this aisthesis, to cut through all of the lies, all of the spiritual deceptions, because He is the light of the world.  And what does this light do?--He shines through all darkness.  The Holy Spirit illuminates the honestly willing people who want to know the Truth, and to know that the Truth is Christ.  

All of these counterfeit spiritualities, like Astrology, Buddhism, Hinduism, Animism, and in many ways, Charismatic Christianity, lead down the wide path of destruction.  In their own words, all previously listed and alike faiths (minus most modern churches) embraced by the New-Age cult, preach self-love (not self-denial), following your heart (not following God), prioritizing personal happiness (not prioritizing Holiness), and that you are in control of everything (don’t believe Jesus Christ plays a part or that He has ultimate control).  On the surface, yoga seems all well and fine–a form of “self-love” via stretching and intentional breathing, right? It seems like innocent exercise until you read the actual Sanskrit to learn that yoga is indeed a religious practice with specific poses, and poses not initially designed for exercise, but first and foremost to worship Hindu gods.  Visiting a psychic seems like a fun and harmless idea if you don’t really believe in what she says, right?  It would appear so until you read the numerous passages in the Bible forbidding the visitation of psychics and fortune tellers.  For one example, “Also the soul who follows ventriloquists and charmers, to prostitute himself with them, I will set My face against that soul and destroy him from among his people.  Therefore, you shall be holy, for I the Lord your God am holy”-Leviticus 20:6-7. 

 I thank God every day for the structure and clarity that our Holy Orthodox Church provides, so that I can have direction amidst these muddy matters.  The New-Age exhorts that there are infinite ways to God or innumerable paths to “enlightenment”, because “We are all God, and God is us, and God is everything.”  Our Christian faith says something to the contrary–“Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.  Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it”-Matthew 7:13-14.  

The Great Comforter, the Spirit of Truth               

My major is unfortunately heavily to blame when it comes to the New-Age influence.  Psychology, as it’s taught at most Western universities, goes far beyond just dabbling into meditation and lucid dreaming for example, but rather has entire self-help classes, textbooks, and seminars.  There really is a thin line between healthy forms of therapy that teach self-accountability, and those that teach self-centered “help.”  One is humble, the other is narcissistic.  In almost every single psychology class I’ve ever taken, a form of meditation and/or yoga are not only studied but actually encouraged as a healthy addition to client and self treatment.  In fact I was even assigned a project to attempt lucid dreaming in my first ever college psychology section.  And I did it.  How innocent university students tend to be, such bright eyes, such willing hearts and such good intentions.  As the veil is lifted up from my eyes I’m starting to see more and more how the poisoning of the formerly beautiful psychology field primes good-willed students not only to be drones of Marxism, but proponents of the New-Age as well.  Full circle.       

That’s the thing about evil–it preys on the vulnerable, the empathetic, the suffering, the traumatized.  How pathetic.  So, grappling with my own anxiety and depression became distinctly easier (temporary easiness, I later learned) when I began to “self-heal” from the emotional wounds I struggled with.  As average humans do in their early twenties, I too began struggling more heavily with deeply laden wounds from childhood, as well as a rocky romantic relationship during that semester in Ireland.  While these adolescent emotional experiences appear to be mundane and relatable, I never want to minimize them for anyone.  I would just like to strongly encourage all reading this, as well as future clients of mine to seek comfort through Godly paths only.  I was still seeking restoration in the right way, but not in the right places, because I believed all these “healings” were a gift from God.  It was also at this time that my already terminally ill Nonna (grandmother), fell even more deeply into dementia, causing me great grief.  While her sickness spurred me on towards studying mentally ill older adults, I was stricken with sadness.  In such a vulnerable state of confusion, depression, and often helplessness, I leaned into the illusions of self-help and ultimate control, instead of the Great Comforter Who was always right next to me.

Don’t fall into the traps I fell into, lean into Him.